A famous proverb saying, “to err is human, to forgive is divine,” goes a long way in pointing out the efforts that come with being able to forgive others and yourself.
Compared to forgiving others, learning how to forgive yourself is pretty tricky. Most times, it doesn’t happen all at once. Instead, it follows the protocol of time.
Often, people get stuck in their heads dealing with so much frustration because they are responsible for something that went wrong. And so, they keep going around in an emotional cycle of negative feelings and thoughts.
Sometimes, it gets so bad that it affects other areas of their lives like work, health, and even their relationships with others.
I understand the feelings of pain and self-disappointment of being responsible for a bad event. However, refusing to let go for you to heal will only put you on a long journey towards being unhappy and frustrated.
Luckily, that doesn’t have to be you. Research shows that people who struggle with forgiving themselves and others live shorter lives due to less sleep, poor mental health, and a lack of peace.
The above research shows how much forgiveness affects you as a person. Furthermore, the damage that comes with unforgiveness, hate, and bitterness affects you alone and not the other person.
Hence, learning to forgive yourself and others is a beneficial skill that you must acquire and learn to live with.
10 Steps To Forgive Yourself
Learning how to forgive yourself, as I earlier indicated, is a process—one that requires you to be intentional about change and personal development.
In this article, I will be showing you just how important it is that you learn how to forgive yourself and how you can get it done, along with some personal experiences. So keep reading, and you will find the answers that you need.
1. Embrace Your Emotions
A prevalent mistake you may have made consistently in learning how to forgive yourself for something unforgivable is putting your emotions aside. Your emotions are a part of you, and when things do not go well, they are bound to get triggered.
Most folks who struggle to forgive themselves are either afraid of coming to terms with those negative feelings or allowing those feelings to overwhelm them completely.
Either way, the results are never healthy for such persons’ mental and psychological health. It is essential that while you learn how to forgive yourself, you also learn to take responsibility and address your emotions.
Those feelings of guilt, frustration, rage, and bitterness can turn you into a toxic person if you fail to embrace them and let go.
I understand how these feelings work but punishing yourself by constantly blaming yourself for something you cannot change will not get you anywhere.
On the contrary, you are only bound to become a more toxic and pessimistic person when you keep those negative emotions locked in.
If you are going to grow above the control of your emotions after doing something you regret, you must first embrace them.
Pretending not to feel anything or ignoring the influence of your emotions is like throwing a boomerang; it always backfires.
You are human, and feeling terrible about something you are responsible for is only natural. Forgive yourself enough to realize that you are human and that making mistakes is part of your humanity.
After embracing them, begin to work towards letting them go. If you feel guilty or sad, remember that these emotions are only a part of the “being human” package and do not necessarily define you.
Refuse to allow your feelings to turn you into a person who is constantly being haunted by their emotions. Forgiving yourself is hard, but it is a process that begins with you working out your feelings and placing them where they belong —under your control.
2. Consciously Acknowledge Your Mistakes
Mistakes are a part of our humanity, and it gets difficult sometimes to acknowledge their existence.
In our bid to become flawless or more perfect, we sometimes get carried away by the illusion of grandeur that we miss out on the reality of things.
A part of which is that making mistakes is deeply rooted within our humanity. And sometimes, our pride and arrogance blind us further. After making mistakes, especially the kind that hurt the people around us, addressing these mistakes is a necessity.
It is vital to get in touch with your emotions and ensure that you are no longer on a roller coaster that keeps you from pressing further. However, in learning how to forgive yourself, you must be ready to acknowledge your mistakes.
You must be prepared to admit that you were wrong and take responsibility for your errors. It takes a courageous heart and a mind intent on growth to achieve it.
Still, once it is done, it becomes a lot easier for an individual to forgive his/or herself and break free from the yokes of guilt, self-pity, and resentment.
Acknowledging your mistakes also mean addressing the effects they must have had on others. If it takes offering a heartfelt apology to the people you hurt, do not hesitate to.
You will feel more satisfied knowing that you not admitted your error but also took a step towards addressing it. Forgiving yourself is a process, and your mistakes must be removed from the way for you to progress towards a guilt-free life.
3. See The Experience As An Opportunity To Learn
Life offers diverse opportunities to learn valuable lessons at several junctions of our stay here on Earth. Sometimes from others and also from our actions and experience.
An excellent way to learn how to forgive yourself is by seeing your mistakes and errors as opportunities to improve your knowledge base.
Maintaining a perspective or mindset like this one makes it easier to see the pearls in the mud of your mistakes and even harness them to better profit your life.
Like everyone else, this is your first attempt at life, and you do not have it all figured out. Your mistakes are another platform for you to be a better person.
Sometimes, the lessons might not even come from personal experiences but the ordeals of others. A wise person interested in growth and success would pay attention enough to pick valuable lessons from the situations of others.
Henceforth, I advise that you maintain an attitude that allows you to see every life circumstance as an opportunity to learn something new.
Learning through personal experiences can be costly and sometimes painful. So, whenever life is kind enough to grant you a free class, you should grab it by the horns.
4. Take Up Healthy Habits Like Journaling And Meditation
Our habits are primary forces affecting how we see and relate to ourselves. A healthy habit can be a helpful tool in dealing with the guilt, embarrassment, and pain of being a thorn in the flesh to someone else.
Understanding how to forgive yourself can be better achieved through positive habits such as meditation and journaling, as these are practical tools for self-evaluation.
For example, journaling allows you the room to openly express yourself and discuss matters that you otherwise might not be comfortable addressing in public or in the presence of others.
Habits like this allow you to take a deeper look into yourself and discover hidden truths that you might not be aware of on a typical day.
If you are someone who has no idea of how to forgive yourself for hurting someone, then I strongly recommend that you take up journaling and meditation.
Daily, make an effort to write down how you feel. Meditation will build up your awareness and help you become more conscious of your strengths, flaws, and potential. However, journaling will make it easier to articulate and assess them to begin working on yourself properly.
The essence of using healthy habits is to provide your mind with an opportunity to seek clarity and for you to spend less time dwelling on bitter thoughts and feelings.
Consider it keeping your mind busy enough to forget the past and focus on the present and the possibilities of a promising future. It will be easier to forgive your past mistakes when you cultivate beneficial habits like journaling.
5. Think Of Better Ways To Handle A Similar Situation
Learning how to forgive yourself is a vital and challenging chore involving addressing a lot. An excellent way to put yourself on the road of personal forgiveness, growth, and happiness is to make efforts to ensure that your mistakes are not repeated.
One of the ways of doing such is thinking and learning better ways to handle similar situations. Your previous mistakes provide you with the experience and also an opportunity to learn and better maximize your skills whenever you find yourself in an identical circumstance.
For that to be done effectively, you must scrutinize your previous blunders. Examining your past errors will allow you to find out what you did wrong, create a solution, and come up with adequate strategies to oversee a similar occurrence.
You can begin your evaluation by asking thought-provoking questions like the highlighted below:
- What are the determining factors in this situation?
- What part did I play in this situation?
- What is the origin of my mistake?
- What would I do in a similar situation?
- What do I put in place to ensure that my mistakes are not repeated?
When you begin to answer the above questions, start writing down outlined steps, or even a plan that you can use should you find yourself in a similar situation. You can even seek the assistance of friends or an expert to enlighten you on the way forward better.
Once you have thought of more advanced methods of addressing the situation of your previous mistakes, the probability of repetition becomes slimmer.
6. Assume Responsibility
It is easy to play the blame game and allow yourself to be swallowed up by the guilt and shame of your previous mistakes. But deciding to take responsibility for your errors and change the narratives is a feat that many avoid.
Instead of constantly blaming yourself, try to take responsibility and own the situation.
Unfortunately, that is where growth is achieved. Choosing to assume responsibility for your emotions and actions is never easy. It becomes a lot more difficult when learning how to forgive yourself.
You can never truly forgive yourself if you refuse to take responsibility for the wrong done to you and the other party.
Let the person you have wronged be aware of your attempts to correct the wrongs you have done as you take complete accountability for your error.
It is never an easy step, but it is a necessary one. Assuming responsibility involves a lot. It is choosing not to play the pity party, deciding not to be influenced by your emotions over your mistakes, and most importantly, focusing on growth.
You will be tempted to let it slide; after all, the deed has been done. Refuse to give in to that lie and embrace the truth, which is that taking up responsibility for your mistake and how they affect you is something you must do to live above your past.
Assuming responsibility will require you to be brutally honest with yourself, make sacrifices and sometimes even place others before yourself.
Failing to take up responsibility for your past is like tempting karma; it always bounces back like a boomerang, and it never ends well.
7. Make Efforts To Fix The Problem Caused By Your Mistake
After acknowledging your mistakes and making a firm decision to take responsibility, an excellent way to work out all those emotions and move on is to try correcting the damages of your mistakes.
Doing so shows you to be a responsible and empathetic person who has learned how to forgive yourself and the lesson attached to being sorry for their errors.
You might find this particular step a bit difficult because it might require that you meet the people you hurt or a close relative.
Now understand that some damages are far too terrible for positive changes to be made. However, other means of alleviating the side effects of your mistakes are available.
Gifts, an offer to replace what has been lost, or even a heartfelt apology are simple steps to fix the impact of your mistakes. Sometimes, it will not be possible for you to fix it completely.
Sometimes your attempts and efforts might even be rejected. However, it will be easier to let go of the guilt and feelings of self-condemnation when you make an effort to correct your errors. You will feel better knowing that you tried to do something rather than fold your arms.
8. Stop Being Self-Critical
One of the significant reasons why it seems next to impossible for you to forgive yourself is because of your voice! Often, we are our own most extensive critique.
The amusing thing is that we do it mercilessly, forgetting that we are humans—prone to errors and mistakes. If you are going to learn how to forgive yourself, one of the first things that you need to deal with is the voice in your mind.
Self-criticism is healthy, but when not adequately managed, it can do serious injury to a person’s mental and psychological health.
Constantly criticizing yourself makes it difficult for you to release the emotions of your mistakes. Gradually, a wall of negative words and comments builds up in your mind, creating a false identity of yourself that isn’t you.
It’s okay that you made a mistake. It’s beautiful that you are making efforts to take responsibility for it, and it will be even better when you learn to shut up that critique in your head.
Your mistakes do not define you, and you must never forget that. Allowing that inner voice constantly to criticize you will destroy your esteem and confidence and make it more challenging for you to forgive yourself truly.
It is entirely human to waste time and energy circling our mistakes. While self-reflection and evaluation are vital, revising what happened will hinder you from doing the right things to enable you to forgive yourself.
The best way to be that criticizing voice is to become your own biggest cheerleader. Build a habit of thinking and speaking positive things about yourself. You can use the affirmations here to remind yourself how special you are consistently.
Use your thoughts and voice to focus on positive words or actions. Write down a list of traits that make you stand out and place them on the wall where you spend most of your day.
Doing so will make you more conscious of your strengths than your flaws and mistakes and interrupt the toxic thought pattern.
9. Be Empathetic To Yourself
Being empathetic is another fantastic way of reminding you to be kind to yourself. It is easy for your guilt to make you feel like you don’t deserve it. Often, we allow our hurt to encourage us to do bizarre things to punish ourselves for a wrong or error.
It is not a wise thing to do. You can punish yourself as a measure of self-discipline but not to the point of hurting yourself physically. Being empathetic to yourself also involves learning to embrace and live with your humanity.
It is tricky. Growing up, I was exposed to an environment that encouraged perfectionism, and mistakes were met with brutal punishment. So accepting that I am a person who can commit blunders like everyone else was a fact that was tough to get.
I eventually got it after a while, but it was never easy. If you are going to learn how to forgive yourself, you must accept the reality that you are a human being! Your expectations and perfectionism will not take it away.
Accepting this fact makes it simpler to accept and forgive ourselves for our mistakes. Once you get that your humanity is a part of your framework, you will be able to let yourself off the hook when you make a mistake.
10. Take Your Own Advice
Have you noticed how easy it is to advise someone else, especially on issues we have experienced? The truth is that locked inside us is a fountain of intelligence that can be exploited for growth.
Sometimes, we have the answer to the problems we face but admitting it is a hurdle we fail to cross many times. An excellent way to learn how to forgive yourself is to take your advice. Here is a practical way to achieve that.
- Get an empty notepad and a pen.
- Write a short description of your struggle with your mistakes’ guilt, and negative emotions.
- Ask yourself, “what would I tell someone in my shoes?”
Write down the thoughts and ideas that come across your mind. Write till you are satisfied with having nothing else to note.
Read each answer out, evaluate them and take steps towards their implementation. You will be shocked at how much insight you can provide yourself by being brutally honest with yourself and switching perspectives.
Another way is to reach out to friends you have advised in the past. I have benefitted from listening to my friends repeat the same statement I told them in the past.
Hearing your friends repeat the exact words of advice and comfort can be quite encouraging and helpful. Knowing that your words were a source of light to someone else can be a good reminder of what It means to be human.
Conclusion
Sometimes, you must realize that learning how to forgive yourself is a process that you might not be able to achieve or complete alone. Therefore, it is advisable that you contact an expert or professional at moments like that.
A professional is better positioned to counsel and guide you into breaking dark patterns and help you build healthier habits to enable you to handle your mistakes and errors better.
Since dealing with the realities of your mistakes can be pretty hectic, I also recommend that you do not walk through that process alone.
Apart from the presence of a professional, having your friends, family, or other people you value around can be extremely helpful!
Never underestimate the power of quality relationships. And with social media, it has become easier to create long-lasting and valuable relationships online.
Being open to a circle of persons you can talk to about your guilt or your challenges in learning how to forgive yourself can be why growth becomes possible.
Online communities like Little Steps, Big Miles on Facebook and Instagram provide room for people to connect and communicate effectively.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself because living with negative emotions, thoughts, and mental strain is not a pleasant fate for anyone.
Deciding to hold on to negative events will only deprive you of joy, peace, emotional stability, and happiness. For more tips on how to stop blaming yourself, check out this guide here.
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